It's been awhile since I last blogged... or wrote anything for that matter.. and seriously it really does help...
So many things have been happening and so many things have changed I don't even know where to start...
I have finally come to terms with myself.. most days. I have been discovering a whole new person that has obviously been hidden deep down to the core of my soul for the most of my life. I'm finally starting to put some pieces back together.
I think everyone has that person hidden in their soul... and God only allows it to come to the surface when it's absolutely necessary.
I never knew loss until Jonathan never came home. I never knew grief until I returned to our home and everyone else returned to their lives. I never knew determination until I woke up one morning and meant I would not allow these events to ruin who God made me to be. I never knew strength until I had to go through my first holiday without him. I never knew wisdom until a month had passed and I was so much wiser than I was that night at the hospital. I never knew courage until I watched my grandfather say goodbye to my Buddy. I never knew what the human mind, body, and soul was capable of doing, handling, or digesting until I sat down tonight and decided to write one more time. I never knew how truly blessed I was until everything was staring me dead in the eye..... my goodness how I'm blessed!!
Even though I've lost so much.. my sweet husband, and strong grandmother, and on occasions my sanity--- I have gained so much these last 9 months (almost 10). Some people may say I have changed... and I hope I have!! Life is a precious gift that so many of us take for granted (me included). It would probably be safe to say that most women who are married would say their whole life was taken from them if they lost their husband.. and to an extent that is true... but for only as long as you allow it to be true. For me- it was viciously snatched out from under me. Basically my whole life literally crumbled around me... me and Jonathan were like peanut butter and jelly... macaroni and cheese... one was no good without the other... we fit together just like a puzzle piece.. and mine was gone. But what is sooooooooo amazing to me is that I'm still standing- better than I could have ever imagined 9 months later.. I have survived the first month, my first holiday, my first Valentines Day, my first beach trip, my first birthday, his first birthday, my first 4th of July, my first loss (but Heavens gain), my first new job, my first football game in Jordan Hare, my first new car, my first 9/11, my first Opp High School football game... and the list goes on and on. And at the end of everyday that passes, I realize one more thing I have to be thankful for- one more sweet memory still burning in my heart, one more lesson learned (probably the hard way), and one more reason to get up the next morning and take on the world one more time. Prior to January 8, 2013... I was just like the rest of the American population... I wanted, I envied, I was never satisfied. Now, on October 17, 2013 I am able to look around me and see every inch of beauty that God has to offer to those who want to see it--- that's the key-- you have to WANT to see it! In everything!! The sky, the light, the dark, the morning, the night, the good, the bad-- I've even learned to see the good in the flowers that refuse to live at my house!! =) Now don't get me wrong-- I miss him more than I could ever begin to put in words... and I would do anything to go visit my Buddy one more time- but I have finally completely learned I must accept the things I cannot change, and I don't want to live in regret or grief... I want to live the life I was designed to live-- and it's full of laughter, smiles, sweet sweet memories, and seeing the beauty in all things. Do you realize how much that sweet Jonathan still affects the people who loved him??? He continues to have such a positive impact on people's lives that it's incredible- mainly mine. What a testimony his life is!
And my Buddy------------ God only made one woman like that... she was by far the strongest woman I have ever had the honor to know. She knew the answer to any question we had--- especially if it involved being "politically correct." She made the best apples and cheese- even though she didn't actually "make" them. She was always so positive.. when she told us she had cancer-- she kept us strong and positive, when it should have been the other way around- but she would've had it no other way. She taught me to be comfortable with me and confident. But most of all- she instilled the value of tradition in our family- especially me. I know it's only football... but it's not just football when you put Auburn in front of it. She taught me the Auburn fight song instead of nursery rhymes- she taught me Auburn cheers instead of reading the golden edged books to me... she taught me how to believe in something and love it with all my heart and never to turn away from it. She taught me about having faith in what we cannot see, and trusting Him when it would be easy to run away. She is the true definition of strength and courage.
Having strength and courage does not mean you feel like you are 10 foot tall and bullet proof... Having strength and courage means getting up every morning knowing you have to fight all odds that are against you.. and not giving up- especially if you take a couple of steps back- those steps are called lessons. My new favorite quote of the moment is "Do one thing everyday that scares you." That doesn't mean sky diving... it means to challenge yourself- go above and beyond your "normal"- dare to make a difference in someone else's life- which in turn makes a difference in the world. Having strength and courage means you step up to the plate everyday with a smile on your face daring the world around you to try a knock you down. It means having the courage to live your life the way you feel is best for you, and not depending on the opinions around you. It means now allowing others words or feelings to influence you to where you are no longer comfortable in your own skin.
I am personally very humbled that God believed in me enough to give me such a large plate to try to handle... but I don't handle it on my own- I handle it with the help from Him, my family, and my friends... I'm so very thankful for the way God has allowed and directed me to see all the positives--- the beauty of life within a storm... and I'm so so so very thankful I listened....... that's strength and courage... having faith in the unknown.. believing with all your heart.. and trusting with all your soul.
