Wednesday, October 1, 2014

"You can't have a testimony without a test......"


“You can't have a testimony without a test....”

How true those words are.. and how hard they are to comprehend at times. A test... many things can be measured by “a test”--- your knowledge of a certain subject is what comes to mind first.

But so many other things can be measured by a person's personal “test of faith.” I know for me personally, my knowledge of faith wasn't necessarily tested- but learned, improved, given.

A persons perseverance. I like to think of this as a “sink or swim” scenario. How much weight can your shoulders hold? How strong are you? How far can you go before you sink? Sinking isn't a terrible thing-- if you sink into the right hands. That's where I believe people get “wrong.” Some sink into alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever else... but some sink into The Hands of God-- which is right where you're suppose to be- all the time, but for some reason it's easier to do during your “test of faith.” Some fight it.. saying they don't “need” Him... that's where some addictions come from-- I know I'm possibly one of the most hard-headed individuals... but I did finally figure out I could not persevere alone.. A person needs that “Lifejacket” whether they want to admit it or not.

A persons ability to stand. Standing on your own two feet. Standing for what you believe in. Standing for the rights and respect for others. Standing for Jesus. Standing for the Glory in all things-- big and small- good and bad. Standing alone. Standing with others. Are you able to stand and not be pushed down?

A person's ability to fight. Not physically punching someone or something.. but fighting for your self.. fighting for others.. Fighting for what's right after you stand for it. Everyone won't agree with you or believe the same things you do.. but if you know in your soul it's right--- will you fight??? I know I will.

A persons hope. Hope for a tomorrow. Hope for peace. Hope for others. Hope for what's right. Hope for better days. Hope for a cure. Hope for a solution. Just hope.... think about it--- how many times a day to you say the word “hope”???? “I hope she gets better.” “I hope tomorrow is better.” “I hope no one else ever has to feel this way.” “I hope the sun shines this weekend.” “I hope we win.” Hope. You hope for all things and have faith those things will work out for the best..... God's plan.

A person's courage.. Courage isn't always loud.. Courage can be quiet.. a small small voice. Courage to get out of the bed. Courage to make it through the day. Courage to face the world. Courage to change yourself. Courage to change things—- like policies, people, opinions, protocols. Courage to stand up and speak for those who can't. Courage to challenge others. Courage to make a statement. Courage to drive past a particular place. Courage to go back somewhere that you once left. Courage to challenge. Courage to be the person God wants you to be... not the one the world wants to see. Courage to let go. Courage to be better than you were yesterday. And courage to try again if you fail.

A person's ability to change. Change... Change is scary.. any kind, any where... it is terrifying. The unknown of what's to come and what's going to happen next.... but I have learned that sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to know--- fully understand what you're made of. And once you learn those scary characteristics of yourself-- you must change. Change your way of thinking. Change the way you achieve your goals. Change your goals and dreams. Change your way of life-- every way of it. Change the way you react. Change your attitude. Change your outlook. But.. sometimes.. at the right time... Change is good.

A persons faith. Faith. What is faith? Faith is believing in something you cannot see. Faith is knowing deep within your soul everything will work out for the best... maybe not the best for your plans, but for God's plan for you. Faith is trusting in God to carry you when you can no longer walk alone. Faith is knowing “this” is a test of your faith.... and like all tests you probably won't get it right the first go round.. I know for me it took several times falling on my face--- doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Faith in prayer--- prayer for anything and anyone. Faith in God's will. Faith that even if you don't like the outcome, it's not up to you and it happened for a reason...Faith in trust. FAITH FAITH FAITH FAITH...... FAITH!!


During hard times... difficult situations.. life's struggles everyone's faith is put to test. I've learned that its not necessarily tested for knowledge.. but ones ability to gain knowledge, understanding, and acceptance. The ability to trust.. in something you cannot see.. you can only feel within your soul and believe.

“You can't have a testimony without a test... Don't give up!”

What a testimony your life will be when you pass your everlasting test of faith.
No one said you had to it gracefully... and no one ever said it would be easy.

Don't give up!



Tuesday, September 23, 2014

"The Now"

It's been 624 days since I received the news that my husband went to Heaven. That's 624 days to long....

I sit here tonight in our house, with our dogs, watching his favorite show without him. It's so surreal sometimes.. that this is in fact my life.. that I'm not in a dream waiting to wake up and everything be back to normal. Some days are great. Some days are good. Some days are bad. It's really a hit or miss... I've learned that sometimes you really don't have "control" over yourself.. your emotions. I've learned how to cover it up most days... but some days it's next to impossible. From what books I've read and people I've talked to this is my "new normal." I will continue to grow, learn, recover, and gradually put the pieces of my life back together--- but there is always going to be a day, an hour, a moment where he is there and I can't fight it--- even 50 years from now.. and to be honest I'm ok with that. I don't want him to disappear from my thoughts.. he is part of my story.. a huge part of it. No matter where life leads me he will be there.. always in my heart.

That day 624 days ago was hands down the worst day of my life- including the following week. I would have never dreamed I would be widowed at 24. I would have never dreamed we wouldn't have a family together. I would have never dreamed he wouldn't be here with me tonight watching the season premier of Chicago Fire.. but life has a funny way of proving you wrong.. sometimes over and over and over. I would have never dreamed on January 8, 2013 that I could survive this life over and over and over on a daily basis and still function in the world. Looking back over these past months I have made so many changes, took so many chances on life... it's really incredible. It doesn't seem like you're moving at all most days, but in reality even on days that are the worse.... it's such a huge step.. an accomplishment on so many levels. I am a person I never dreamed I would be... I am in a place in life I never thought would come.. I know what I want in life.. I know where I want to be.. I know my dreams.. some days I wish I could sprint to the finish line where all my dreams and goals are coming true.. but what I have learned in the past 624 days is it's the journey that truly matters. The people you meet along the way. The obstacles you overcome. The courage you gain. The fear you lose. The simple victories you win-- even when no one around you knows it just happened. It is honestly such a bittersweet journey. The person I have become thus far is a small piece of the plans and dreams I have in my head and heart... I will change the world. I promise I will.

Rainbows, sunsets, hearts in the sky, the way the wind blows... I know it's him. I just know it. I can literally feel him some days.. I love those days. These awesome signs come when I need it the most.. when he would know when I was fixing to crumble and throw my hands up.. he talks to me through these amazing ways... and I know he's telling me it's all ok.. and he's proud.. I know without a doubt he would be tickled and possibly be in pure shock on how far I've come if he were here. He always said I was the most stubborn woman he had ever been around... I guess he was right. =)

SO here's to graduate school, my career, my dreams, and the journey! 

Remember life is precious. Please live it the way you would want to be remembered. Love the people in your life and tell them how much you love them. Fight for what you believe in. Chase your dreams. Be spontaneous. Trash "the list" of the 10 year plan and live each day to the fullest. Do what you want to do. Speak your mind. Go where you want to go. Be YOU!

and always know others opinions of you are none of your business... life is definitely not based on these thoughts from others and the ONLY opinion you should be concerned with is the way Jesus views you.
 






Thank you for letting me just type....

Much Love... Carrie Lou~