I sit here tonight in our house, with our dogs, watching his favorite show without him. It's so surreal sometimes.. that this is in fact my life.. that I'm not in a dream waiting to wake up and everything be back to normal. Some days are great. Some days are good. Some days are bad. It's really a hit or miss... I've learned that sometimes you really don't have "control" over yourself.. your emotions. I've learned how to cover it up most days... but some days it's next to impossible. From what books I've read and people I've talked to this is my "new normal." I will continue to grow, learn, recover, and gradually put the pieces of my life back together--- but there is always going to be a day, an hour, a moment where he is there and I can't fight it--- even 50 years from now.. and to be honest I'm ok with that. I don't want him to disappear from my thoughts.. he is part of my story.. a huge part of it. No matter where life leads me he will be there.. always in my heart.
That day 624 days ago was hands down the worst day of my life- including the following week. I would have never dreamed I would be widowed at 24. I would have never dreamed we wouldn't have a family together. I would have never dreamed he wouldn't be here with me tonight watching the season premier of Chicago Fire.. but life has a funny way of proving you wrong.. sometimes over and over and over. I would have never dreamed on January 8, 2013 that I could survive this life over and over and over on a daily basis and still function in the world. Looking back over these past months I have made so many changes, took so many chances on life... it's really incredible. It doesn't seem like you're moving at all most days, but in reality even on days that are the worse.... it's such a huge step.. an accomplishment on so many levels. I am a person I never dreamed I would be... I am in a place in life I never thought would come.. I know what I want in life.. I know where I want to be.. I know my dreams.. some days I wish I could sprint to the finish line where all my dreams and goals are coming true.. but what I have learned in the past 624 days is it's the journey that truly matters. The people you meet along the way. The obstacles you overcome. The courage you gain. The fear you lose. The simple victories you win-- even when no one around you knows it just happened. It is honestly such a bittersweet journey. The person I have become thus far is a small piece of the plans and dreams I have in my head and heart... I will change the world. I promise I will.
Rainbows, sunsets, hearts in the sky, the way the wind blows... I know it's him. I just know it. I can literally feel him some days.. I love those days. These awesome signs come when I need it the most.. when he would know when I was fixing to crumble and throw my hands up.. he talks to me through these amazing ways... and I know he's telling me it's all ok.. and he's proud.. I know without a doubt he would be tickled and possibly be in pure shock on how far I've come if he were here. He always said I was the most stubborn woman he had ever been around... I guess he was right. =)
SO here's to graduate school, my career, my dreams, and the journey!
Remember life is precious. Please live it the way you would want to be remembered. Love the people in your life and tell them how much you love them. Fight for what you believe in. Chase your dreams. Be spontaneous. Trash "the list" of the 10 year plan and live each day to the fullest. Do what you want to do. Speak your mind. Go where you want to go. Be YOU!
and always know others opinions of you are none of your business... life is definitely not based on these thoughts from others and the ONLY opinion you should be concerned with is the way Jesus views you.
Thank you for letting me just type....
Much Love... Carrie Lou~
No comments:
Post a Comment