putting it down

I've decided to start a blog... to see how it goes.. to put it all down.. maybe then it won't be so scrambled in my head. 

There are three days that will probably never leave my mind... for the rest of my life. 

January 8, 2013

    I had just talked to Jonathan maybe an hour before my dad called me. Jonathan had been at work for the past 3 days (2 nights) and was coming home that Tuesday night. I called him when I got off work- talked to him about 15 minutes before I headed into class- our conversations consisted of when are you coming home; what do you want for supper; and I can't wait to see you.... I can't think of a single time- even when we were mad- that we didn't end a phone conversation with I love you (that was his rule and I'm so thankful for that) He had told me he was getting off at 7 and would probably be going to his parents to get some supper. They were cooking deer meat and naturally Ms. Picky doesn't like that- so I told him I would get something else. I would get out of class at 7- so I knew I would see his face atleast by 8 that night. 
Have you ever had a feeling that didn't settle well with you and you couldn't shake it?? Well I had one that whole day, but Jonathan always said I was a freak of nature and I worried too much- so I tried not to pay much attention to it. I was sitting in class and heard my phone vibrate in my purse... my stomach knotted up. I looked at my phone and it was my daddy... my stomach knotted again--- and then I talked myself out of it- he had just forgot I had class obviously... Well I sat there and sat there and couldn't let it go. I went through the list of family- and the only person I could think of was my grandmother- Buddy- she hadn't been doing well. I talked myself out of it again. I then looked up and Mr. Tim Jones was standing there- I knew then that something was not right---at all. I walked out of the classroom and there stood daddy- Jonathan was on his way to the emergency room- something happened at the airport and daddy didn't know what happened. I was shaking.... trying to know that everything was fine and I'm a freak as he would say.. That was the longest ride to Andalusia Regional I have ever experienced..
   People say that you don't remember things like this and exactly what happened- but I remember alot of it... unfortunately. Daddy dropped me off at the front door and mama was there waiting on me. We ran to the emergency room waiting room and they wouldn't let me back to him. I was sooooo mad!! They said policy- well if you don't know- don't throw policy at a social worker. When they finally let me back-which seemed like eternity- I immediately started looking for him and they shoved us in this little room and wouldn't let us go any further. They left us there. No nurse. No social worker. No doctor. No answers to the thousand of questions that was running through my mind. I knew when the door shut that I wasn't going to get to talk to him, see him, or hold him- ever again. The doctor came in, shut the door, and told us Jonathan had passed away.... This is where it gets blurry- I remember my parents, and The Williams'(Joey and Gail), and that's about it.. I remember running outside.. I remember daddy wouldn't let go of me... I remember thinking that any minute this jacked up dream would be over.. I remember saying I'm 24 and a widow. I remember alot of people. Firefighters. Cops. Friends. Family. Strangers. No Jonathan though. I remember walking around outside and a nurse coming saying that "he was ready"- I didn't know what this meant- daddy tried to stop me- I didn't listen. I thought I had to sign something and talk to someone......... boy was I wrong.. I would give anything to take that picture out of my head. ANYTHING! The next thing I know I'm sitting in the grass with my daddy and Mr. Dennis Meeks. I know I'm young and dumb- but I couldn't figure out why we were sitting at the hospital- I still don't understand it. Why do people do that?? We were just sitting there- people staring at me- me staring at them.. I remember getting off the ground and walking off to call Lauren- I remember thinking how do I tell my bestfriend what's happened- or does she already know? That was definitely the worst phone call I've ever made.. the hardest. Finally after awhile mama takes me home- daddy stays behind to make sure everything is ok.. maybe I shouldn't have left- but I just couldn't sit there. I couldn't. We go home- again- the longest ride to Opp. When we pulled up the yard was full of cars. Friends. Family. It's a blur... The rest of the night is a blur.. 
    I woke up the next morning thinking surely it's not real. The first phone call I got was from the Alabama Eye Bank- talk about a reality check. It was 7 in the morning. Wednesday January 9.. they wanted Jonathan's corneas.. Ugh! From that moment on I think I went into survival mode-- and shock. I cried.... but not like I should have. (Not to worry- I got that part down 3 months later.) Seriously the rest of the week was a complete blur. There was people- people everywhere. There was food- alot of food- but I couldn't hardly smell it- much less eat it. There was tears. There was laughs. There was people needing to meet with me- ask me questions. I had to decide what kind of funeral Jonathan was going to have.. Naturally we had talked about this issue many, many times because he was a firefighter and anything could happen... but for the life of me I could not remember what it was. I had to pick times for my husband's visitation and funeral- wow. I remember being able to go through all the motions- hug people, tell them how thankful I was for them, thank them for coming, ask the right questions, answer the questions asked to me. I had to pick out flowers for Jonathan's casket. No one should ever have to do these dreadful things- at any age! It's the nightmare that won't end. 

I know and believe without a doubt that things happen for a reason.... everything. I know that people come into your life for a reason. I know that God is in control of everything--- in His timing and His plans... but the selfish part of me---- I want him to walk through our back door.. laughing at the look on my face saying the he "got" me again---- dropping half the things in his hands.. popping me on the behind and kissing my cheek. 

I miss him so much.. but I am so so so so so so so thankful for the short time I got to call him mine! He was my best friend.. my partner in crime.. my whole world.. and my future. He truly was a wonderful man- inside and out! He taught me so much about life, love, patience, adventure, trust, pride, gratefulness, hard work, family, friends, and the list goes on and on. 

He will always be with me, a part of me, deep in my soul- forever. 

"I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart." -ee cummings

These are just a few of my favorites I wanted to share with you!
I'm sure this jumps around- but maybe with time- it will get better!