what a ride!!

"i carry your heart with me..."

Have you ever rode a roller coaster... you know.. the ones that go upside down, inside out, really high, then really low, side to side, and all other directions and you just wonder how in the heck someone invents something like that.... Well, I feel like I've been on the biggest, fastest, craziest roller coaster out there--- and I am SOOOOOOO ready to get off!!

My whole life I have possibly been one of the most fortunate people there is and I am so grateful for that. I have always had every basic need met and then beyond what I ever probably deserved. I never needed for anything. I never much wanted anything (for long). I have always had an awesome family- even though we are a little different than your average family- great friends- and a life most would kill for. I never had a "traumatic" life event happen to me.. I've lost great friends throughout my life, but as far as my immediate circle.. I've been real fortunate- REAL fortunate! Blessed. I remember one set of my great grandparents. My great granddaddy passed away the June after I graduated high school. I still have both sets of my grandparents- both parents-  my sister- all my aunts and uncles- great aunts- everyone. Everyone until January.

You never know what you would do if anything "traumatic" ever happened to you... you really honestly never really think about it.. Why would you?? If you're anything like me, and I'll be the first to admit I am a human, I never thought anything bad would happen to me.. I knew it would eventually.. but I never dreamed it would happen this soon.. like this.

Every little girl dreams of their "grown up" life while growing up. You play house, you have crushes, you "love" you're 1st grade boyfriend.. heck- we have it all planned out by at least middle school! In my opinion.. my dream came true. I found this guy, or he found me- we found each other... and we just knew. We knew it was something different than the rest- special. I married him. We bought a home in our home town in a quaint little neighborhood. We worked in our home town. He was a firefighter. I was a social worker. We ate together. We prayed together. We laughed together. We fought together. We did everything together. We were social butterflies- always talking to someone! (I always picked on him and told him I WAS NOT going to be the first lady of Opp! haha- because of all the "politicking" he would do!) I would have to say we were living the "southern dream"- and I was great with it and tickled he picked me.

They say there are 5 or 7 stages of grief (depending on what model you are going by)... Well let me tell you my sweet friends.. I am not a big fan of these "stages". The lack of control is possibly my hardest battle these days.. The lack of control of the situation. The lack of control of people. The lack of control of my EMOTIONS---- I hate that... and I know hate is a strong word-- but I do. I would consider myself a pretty strong-willed, independent young women prior to Jonathan's death. I had it together- and if I didn't- I kept it together until I was in my home by myself.. I think Jonathan only saw me come all the way apart only a very few times.. I'm just not a big fan of it... at all. Well nowadays I have a new "normal"-- which I haven't found yet.. every day is a different day. I'm fine one minute and not the next. It's absolutely amazing how the human body can switch gears so quick so often.. I can be laughing then start cussing to crying to hollering to laughing again... WHEW!! It wears me smooth out! I can honestly say I am officially exhausted.- emotionally, physically, and mentally. Exhausted.

I am in my angry stage right now. I think. And I would much rather go back to the crybaby stage I think. UGH. Everyone makes me mad. Everything makes me mad. Then it makes me mad that I'm even mad in the first place!!! See what I'm talking about??!?! This roller coaster is exhausting!! 

With all that said- I feel like I am doing pretty good. Ha! (I know you think I'm crazy and that's ok!)

In all honesty I do have to say that bad days aren't so bad anymore.. they are bad- but not compared to a month ago. That's amazing to me- self reflection is a great tool. I cannot believe how much I've grown since the beginning of this new journey. It's kind of like dieting- you don't really know how well you've done until you're clothes start fitting a little looser... it's the same concept- in any hand of cards your dealt. I keep telling myself.. knowing it is the truth deep down (some days it's just harder to believe than others) that this has happened for a reason. I know without a doubt that my God has a great plan for me- just like He did for Jonathan- I just wish I knew what it was. I wish I knew what direction to go. Some days I feel like I am doing everything all wrong- but in reality what is right? I believe that God doesn't allow "bad things to happen to good people"- I believe He allows things like this to happen so He can shine through others. So I can be a walking testimony of not only Jonathan's wonderful life and continue his legacy, but to show others through me how Amazing our God is. How faithful He is. How He never leaves us. How anything is possible. How He provides. How wonderful He truly is. I know most days I fail miserably at this- but I am trying. Thankfully God loves the imperfect version of me and is obviously pretty patient (He hasn't given up on me yet!!!)!  =)

I'm going to continue to strive to make the very best out of this whole mess..and I'm going to continue to work on patiently waiting for the next step.. the next move.. and I'm going to continue to remember "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord....."


I know this is off topic but I have to share this!!!

If you go to the US Fire Administration web page you will find a list of all fire fighter fatalities that have died in the line of duty. Jonathan was the first line of duty death for the 2013 year. Since his death 32 other firefighters all over our great nation has lost their life serving in the line of duty. On this page you are able to click on the fire fighters name and you can find how they passed away, what they were doing, their age, and the fire department they were at with an address, etc.

Well- I've been in need of a happy these past few weeks.. I learned that they rejected his organs due to unknown cause of death and a bunch of other fires I've been trying to put out and just needed something positive. I've been real discouraged with the brotherhood that Jonathan loved, and while I was at my moms tonight, she gave me a big brown envelope from the airport.......... Firefighters, first responders, fire departments, sheriff departments, anything you can think of--- from all over the United States- has sent sympathy cards to the airport. Wow. From California, New Mexico, Minnesota, Pennsylvanian, North Dakota, Ohio, Kansas, Alaska, Texas, New York, Tennessee, and the list goes on and on.. Do you have any idea how AWESOME that is?!?!? How special that is?!?!!?! He didn't want to be a hero- but he was.. HE IS.. not only to me.. but to his brothers in fire service. It is an amazing thing- and I am so glad God has given me the opportunity to be a part of it- even if it is second hand.. it's like nothing I've ever experienced and I will forever be grateful.

                           These are a few...FEW letters that were sent.. it's so amazing to me. 

New York Fire Department

LA, California Fire Department